My girlfriends are the best. I don't tell them enough, but they are truly some of the sweetest and most patient girls I know. Not to mention, super fun. As much as I love and appreciate all Bert does for me, I have to be honest and say it's my gal pals that keep me sane. And I have no idea why they love me, or have any desire to keep in touch. Typical phone conversations go a little something like this.....
~~Throw my hands up. They're playin' my song; You know I'm gonna be okay... Hey yeah, yeah, yeah... It's a party in the USA....~~
(ringtone set for some of my girlfriends, so I know it's one of them calling.)
Me: Hey! What 'chall doin'?
GF: Not much. We're going to the pool later and wanted to see if....
Me: GET THAT PLASTIC BAG OFF YOUR BROTHERS HEAD NOW!!! DON'T YOU LOOK
AT ME THAT WAY! THAT COULD KILL HIM! DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!
GF (who never stopped talking the entire time I was screaming at Lightning, because she knows
if she pauses every time I have to fuss at a child, we'll never get through our conversation):
....y'all wanted to meet us over there. We're thinking about taking a picnic and staying for
Me: No, you cannot have another piece of candy. Fine, one more. But eat it in here and don't tell
GF (who I can still hear, even though I'm talking to Her Highness).... hours. Oh, guess what!
We're taking a trip with my parents and heading down to....
Me: (still listening to her, intently, but trying to keep Hail from killing himself) WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH A KNIFE?? I don't even want to know how or why you have that. Give
that to me NOW!
GF: ....the beach. I'm so excited because this is the first time in five years that we've gotten to
go. I just hope the oil mess doesn't ruin the trip. And did I tell you that my brother's wife
just found she's......
Me: Shhhh. Y'all have got to STOP SCREAMING!!! YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE THE BABY!!!!!
Flash Flood, right on cue: Waaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahhhh! Waaaahhhhh!!!!
GF: ....pregnant again?
Me: Wait, isn't her oldest only like four or something? How many does this make for her?
GF: This is baby number three.
Me: Wow, they're crazy.
GF: How in the world can YOU say that?
Me: Oh, yeah. I seriously forget all the time how close ours are. For real, until I hear someone
else say they had three in four years I'm like, whoa! That's a lot! Then, I think about how
we must look with five, six and under!
GF: I just hope she can handle a third since number two....
Me: DON'T HIT YOUR BROTHER WITH A GOLF CLUB! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' WITH
DADDY'S GOLF CLUBS ANYWAY?? Go put those back in the garage NOW!!
GF: ....about did her in. I mean seriously, she can barely handle the two she's got. So, what
time do you wanna.....
Me: WHY WOULD YOU EAT DOG FOOD?? WHY? Stay out of that cabinet, you know better! And don't eat anymore dog food! I can't believe I have to say that to my THREE YEAR OLD!
GF: .....meet us down at the pool?
Me: Umm, well, I've got to feed them breakfast and try to find swimsuits for everybody. Oh, crap, I just remembered all of our towels are in the washer still. Ugggh. Well, they're just gonna get wet anyway. So, I'll just hang them over the lounge chairs when we get down there and let them dry some. I guess we could meet y'all there around 10ish?
GF (snickering): Great, I'll see you at 11:00.
Me: I know, I know. Hey, Bert's beeped in seven times in a row, so let me go check and see what in the world is sooo important.
~~I love it when you call me Big Poppa... Throw yo' hands in the air, if you's a true playa...~~
(Bert's personal ringtone, so I always know, no matter where in the house I am that it's him calling. Yeah, that's a fun one to have ring when you're sitting in a quiet waiting room.)
Bert: Answer your phone, woman! I'm gonna have your phone disconnected if you don't start answering when I call.
Me: Go for it. Both phones are in MY name. Plus, then what will you do when you wanna know what's for lunch... and dinner... and are just bored while you're driving around town.
Bert: Well, what is for lunch?
Me: Fish sticks.
Bert: What have y'all been up to this morning?
Me: Same ole', same ole'.
Bert: Well, I just had a really good meeting with a new client...
Me: IF Y'ALL DON'T GET BACK OUTSIDE.... YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE POPSICLES ON THE PORCH BECAUSE THEY WILL MELT ALL OVER THE HOUSE!
Me: Yeah, keep going.
Bert: Well, what I was saying was I had a really good....
Me: QUIT THROWING TOYS! Hey, why do you have a pair of tweezers? Ugh, go put those back in the drawer! You could poke your eye out or hurt somebody with those things! Put them up now!
Me: Babe, I'm listening.
Bert: Why do the kids misbehave every time I call?
Me: 'Cause they share your DNA.
Bert: So, what's for lunch?
Me: I gotta go, Thunder and Lightning just climbed over the fence again and Hail's just a couple of steps behind. Did you actually need anything?
Bert: Nope. See ya.
Me: Love you too.
~~I gotta feeling. Oh, oh. That tonight's gonna be a good night...~~
(Look, I pick my ringtones with my kids in mind. Uh, yeah. They're all songs my kids love.)
Me: Hey, girl! We're trying to get out the door. Wanna meet us at the pool?
GF: Fun! When are y'all going?
Me: Well, if EVERYBODY WILL GET THEIR SHOES ON (screaming towards the kids) we could leave now. Well, as soon as I get done feeding Flash Flood.
GF: Great. We'll see y'all down there in two hours then.
Me: Everybody's a comedian. It's not all my fault, you know. These crazy monkeys are driving me nuts this morning.
GF: Oh, girl, Mine too. At one point they were both.....
Me: I HEARD YOU, BUDDY. I'M COMING TO WIPE YOUR HINEY IN JUST A SECOND. LET ME FINISH FEEDING THE BABY!
GF: ....screaming at the top of their lungs and for a split second I thought about.....
Me: HAIL! I HEARD YOU! I'M SORRY YOUR TOES ARE TINGLING! I CAN'T COME WIPE YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M STILL FEEDING FLASH FLOOD! JUST HANG ON ONE SECOND.
GF: .....jumping in my car and driving away, so I just went into my bedroom closet for a second and counted to.....
Me: SON! CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME?? Hey, Her Highness, could you puh-lease feed Flash Flood for just a second so I can wipe Hail?
GF: .... 10 like 10 times in a row. And that's with only two so I don't know how you.....
Me: Fine. I'll pay you 50 cents to feed him for me while I go wipe Hail's butt.
GF: ....do it!
Me: Well, I've told you before that the hardest transition was from one to two. If you can handle two, you can handle 12. Not that I plan to find out!
GF: Whatever, you're so not done. I keep waiting for you to call and say.....
Me: UGGGGHHH! How many times do I have to ask you to NOT unroll all the toilet paper?? And why is there pee-pee all the way over here? You better stop peeing in that trash can! I'm gonna beat the stew....
GF: ....that y'all are expecting again.
Me (laughing hard): I'm going to ignore that comment. Sounds like you're going to beat me to the pool.
Me: We'll be there as soon as we can.
GF: Hey, don't let me forget to give you the stuff you ordered from the kids at.....
Me: Do NOT put spaghetti up your nose! Gross! You're supposed to be putting your swimsuit on! I don't know where you put it. I had them all out on the couch. Well, go find it.
GF: ....church. It's good stuff, but it's going to be all melted if it keeps riding around in the back of my......
Me: SERIOUSLY! SERIOUSLY?? WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO USE A SHARPIE ON YOUR FACE?? Hey, tell Thunder to come back inside until we're all ready to load up. HAIL! THAT LITTLE PEOPLE CASTLE WEIGHS SIX POUNDS! DON'T THROW IT AT LIGHTNING'S HEAD!!!
Me: Sheesh. Bert's beeping in again. We're on our way.
~~I love it when you call me...~~
Me: What's up, Big Poppa?
Bert: What's for lunch?
Me: We're heading out the door, so do what you always do and make a sandwich. Or just go pick something up.
Bert: Where are y'all going?
Bert: Good. Well, I just saw....... and they said...... and I think that sounds like a really good idea..... and ......
Me: Uh huh. Right. Okay. Yep. Sure. Sounds good. Um hmm. Okay. Sure. Yes, I'm listening.
Bert: And then I ran over to..... and bought a new..... for my office..... do you think that was a good price..... and I thought we could all..... later.... maybe in a couple of years......
Me: GET IN THE CAR! GET IN THE CAR! JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO GO SOMEWHERE WITHOUT HAVING TO SCREAM AT Y'ALL TO GET IN THE CAR AND GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON! LET'S GOOOOOO!
Bert: Oh, are y'all going somewhere?