Monday, May 23, 2011

HOW TO LOSE EIGHT POUNDS IN FOUR DAYS

Alternately Titled: The Worst Stomach Virus I've ever had-- I almost died.

Well, I'm back. I caught Thunder's three day virus. Only it didn't stop on day three. Day three was when I took a turn for the worse. So on day four, I ended up in the ER for IV fluids. Along the way, Her Highness and Flash Flood also picked up the bug. The meanest three are still left standing. (Bert, Lightning and Hail... as if I had to explain.) And hopefully they're now in the clear, but I'm not holding my breath.

Poor Bert. We learned several things during this round with Satan's stomach virus:
1. Bert is a much better nurse than I am when he's sick.
2. Bert is a much better mom/housewife when it comes to patience and doing chores.
3. Bert is a much better bedtime story teller.
4. Bert's limit for all of the above is four days. After four days he is done and simply cannot continue being the fill-in Momma one second longer. So it's either get well or call for reinforcements.

This was the conversation between my Mother (Cookie) and me when she called to check in Saturday morning:

Me: Pray for Bert. And for the rest of us.
Cookie: Why? Oh, no. Does he have it now too??
Me: No, no. He's still feeling fine. He's just reached his limit and is about to crack.
Cookie: Uh, oh.
Me: Hey, if anything ever happens to me, don't be offended when Bert remarries in only four days. 'Cause apparently that's his limit. He can't handle the kids alone more than that.
Cookie: Honey, we won't be offended. He'll be doing us all a favor.

After getting lots of rest over the weekend, drinking water by the gallon, and slowly adding solids back into my diet, I am finally able to rejoin the land of the living.
Feeling 100%, I'm ready to tackle the 87 loads of laundry, which are piled to the ceiling in various rooms through out the house. Bert is a man of many talents, but laundry is not one of them.

During my many, many hours spent in seclusion in the restroom, between prayers for relief, I spent some time self-reflecting. Mostly on the untidiness of our bathrooms. And bedrooms. And living room. And kitchen. Not that a sparkling clean tub would have made that 58th diarrhea trip any less painful, but it might have kept me from staring at the moldy grout, which gave me an extra reason to bang my head against the wall.

"God, I promise... blaaaaaaaahhhhh... if you'll just make this virus go aw.... blaaaaaaaaahhhh..... I'll clean this whole.... blaaaaaaahhhhhh..... house and act like a 30 year ol...... blaaaaaaahhhh...... d. Please God, take this virus away from my family and I promise to get my act.... blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.... together. I'll even start folding the.... blaaaaaaaaaah..... laundry. Andpleasedon'tletanyoneelsecatchit!!" During my final vomiting session, I pleaded with God, because, you know, cleanliness is Godliness. And since God held up his end of the bargain, it's time I do mine.

So, that's where YOU come in. What time can you be here.... Kidding. I do need some tips for organization. I want to know, what are the organizational items/tools you can't live without?? What helps your day run smoothly and keeps you on track with cleaning and other chores??

I need to career shadow someone with a clean house. "Hey, Bert.. I'll be back in a week, okay? I'm going to career shadow a successful housewife. Make that two weeks. I want to make sure I get her system down pat, so I can come home and implement it. Don't call me. I'll call you. BYE!" I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Since it's for business purposes and all.

One of my favorite quotes of all times comes from Erma Bombeck, "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk until I faint."
That perfectly sums it up for me.

In other news, school ends TOMORROW. And I cannot believe Her Highness will soon be a 3rd grader and Thunder a 1st grader. It seems like yesterday I was doing the ugly cry, writing notes to stick in their lunch boxes. And today, I did the ugly cry again, watching the class slide show made by Thunder's teacher. Watching those precious kindergarten babies grow to tunes such as Toy Story's "You've Got a Friend in Me," and Green Day's "Good Riddance" was simply too much for me to handle. It's been a fun year. And both Her Highness and Thunder were blessed to have such dedicated and loving teachers.

Now it's time for the lazy pool days I've been dreaming of all year. BRING ON SUMMER!!!

And bring on your organizational/cleaning tips! I really do want to hear them.

HAPPY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL TO YOU!!!
Love, Big Momma

8 comments:

Jennifer said...

I want to lose eight pounds in four days! Quick, send me something germy!

I am not organized. I do, however, have TONS of systems for becoming organized. My friend even took an online class on organization and she stole me all the notes. If I ever find them, I'll send them to you.

There is ONE thing I do that seems to help, and I don't understand why it's not something we learn in high school. I do one thing every day. Just one. I mean, I do dishes and wipe up the kitchen every day, but other than that, I only do ONE thing. Like, Mondays I grocery shop. Tuesdays I dust and change out the towels. I guess that's two, but they're small. Wednesdays I clean the bathrooms. Ugh. Thursdays I clean out all my bags, get the trash out of the van, wipe down the cabinets and the fridge and the microwave. It sounds like a lot, but Thursdays is actually the easiest day. It's weird. Fridays I plan my menu and get my grocery list together. Saturdays I don't do anything if Nick is here (so two weeks a year) and when he's gone I usually clean my bedroom. Sundays I change the sheets and do the floors. Sundays suck.

And I have a giant washing machine, so I do laundry every three days when he's out, and every other when he's in.

And this is my PLAN. I don't do it all the time, but when I do, it's nice. Like, if I dusted last Tuesday and can't get to it this week, it's not that big a deal because I just did it. You know?

Mandy said...

Well, now. I sure am glad you are feeling better! What a crappy week you've had. Sorry for the pun. Couldn't resist.

Jennifer's plan (above) is my theory as well, but I've never proved that theory. :) I'm trying. All I can say is I'm better than I used to be, but there is room for more improvement. :)

Brittny said...

I don't really have anything to add other than say, "YOU POOR THANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I am so glad you are feeling better and I hope that Satan doesn't ever visit you like that again!!!

As for organization, I need help too. Back in January I was going to make a chore chart for myself and have one thing I had to do every day to try to stay on top of it. If I missed it one week that was fine. (Like the other ladies said.) But then I was sick, not like you were, for about 2 1/2 weeks starting at the end of the month and got out of the routine.

One thing I do have is lots of laundry baskets. I have little ones for the kids and am working on getting them to help me take their clothes to the laundry room and put their clothes away when they are folded. I keep Clorox wipes in each bathroom so I can just grab and wipe when they are brushing their teeth or taking a bath. I use disposable toilet cleaner that hangs on the potty. (Yes, I just said potty.) Then I just vacuum when I can't stand it anymore. That one is the hard one for me because dirt is always in our house and the dog has stained the carpet so much that even when it's freshly vacuumed it just looks like all I did was pick up the leaves off the floor with my hand. I'm not sure if any of that helps, but know that your house probably isn't any worse than mine! Can't wait to finally meet you and hopefully spend some lazy days at the water park, or anywhere, with your family!!

Brittny said...

Oh, I forgot to tell you that I was explaining your family and all the kids to Christopher the other day and all he had to say was, "Wow." I died out laughing!! I got really dramatic and said, "Can you imagine? FOUR boys like you and a bigger Sophie??? Isn't that amazing?!?!?!" He couldn't believe it. It was hilarious!!!

Whitney said...

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry y'all were so sick! I'm glad you're better! And I'm with Jennifer, got any germs you can mail to me??

With just the two of us, it shouldbe really easy to stay organized...but more often than not, the coffee table is covered in junk and there's a million pairs of shoes by the front door. All of this is J's doings.
I have 4 laundry baskets: one for whites, one for towels, one for darks and one for lights. Works really awesome except for when J doesn't know if something is "dark" or "light".
I have a shoe rack in every closet and one in the hall closet for shoes we wear most often.
I have baskets under the coffee table and end table for remotes, magazines, Wii accessories and TV related items.
I use drawer organizers in my kitchen for different utensils and measuring cups. There are plastic baskets in my cabinets for lids to bowls and coffee mugs.
I think my main advice is baskets and containers... lol. They're lifesavers. :)
I hope this helps!

P.S. My word varification is drork which is pretty close to dork... For some reason that's funny to me. :P

Kate said...

Please your sweet heart. I can't even imagine. Love you!

LucisMomma said...

So glad you're feeling better.

And congratulations on baby #6! :)

You and your Mother are so funny.

I'm one of your cousins--have you heard your mom talk about Uncle Charles? I'm one of his kids.

~Susan

LucisMomma said...

PS--I love flylady.com. Her mantra is "babysteps." I get a daily digest of emails because I can't stand a bunch all throughout the day.