Friday, October 2, 2009

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...

I DO know why she swallowed that fly! But, let me back up just a little....

Every morning I have to re-heat my coffee at least three times. I pour it as soon as the coffee maker is finished with my fresh brew, then I let it sit for just a second, so not to scald my mouth. Most mornings, I head right back to my cooling cup of joe, right after my first attempt at waking Her Highness, take a few sips, then set it back on the counter as I walk back to Her Highness' royal chambers to threaten ice cold water if she doesn't awaken from her beauty slumber. Go back, grab my mug again, take a few more swallows, then fix Her Highness' hair. By this time, the coffee is too cool, so I nuke it for about 12 seconds. That's all it takes to get it back to the temp I prefer.

You can imagine the other interruptions to my morning affair with that sweet cup of coffee...

Me: "Yes, Momma will get you more Cheerios/Frosted Flakes/Cheez-Its (yeah, so. Some mornings I'm all about picking my battles... and some not so much.) But only if you quit whining."

"Please get off your brother. He was sitting there first. Yes he was. Matter of fact, he's been in that spot since he fell asleep last night. So move!"

Lightning: "MOMMAAAA! I'm DONE! Come wipe MMMEEEEEE!"

Me: "Okay, hang on! I've got to finish making lunches."

Lightning: "But, my feet are tingling!!! COME WIPE MY HINEY!!!!"

Her Highness: "Momma! Do I HAVE to wear that dress today? It's a baby dress!! Puh-lease don't make me wear that!"

Lightning: "MOMMMMAAAAA!!!! NOW I CAN'T EVEN FEEL MY TOES!!! ARE YOU COMIN'???? I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY HINEY!!!!"

Her Highness: "Oh, NO! Momma, we forgot to do this part of my homework. Can you help me?"

Thunder: "Momma, today we're supposed to bring four things that start with the letter T for show-and-tell. What all can I take?"

Me: "Well, apparently your brother's toes are tingling, you could take him."

Bert: "Hey, Babe. Do I have any clean underwear? There's none in my drawer... again."

Me: "Check the dryer! Nevermind, I don't think there's any in there either. Just go get in the shower and I'll dig through the pile." (Of clean clothes.)

Hail: "HODE ME!!! I WANT CHOCK-A MIK!!! I WANNA HODE YOU!!!!"

Me: (With Hail now on my hip) "Where's my coffee? Anybody see my cup? Y'all are gonna be late! Get your shoes on! No, you don't have time to brush teeth! Just rinse real quick with water. Get your shoes ON! BERT! She's gonna be late AGAIN! Hey, is her backpack in your car or mine?? HEY! I SAID IT'S TIME TO GO!!! Has ANYBODY seen my COFFEE CUP???"

Finally, Her Highness gets out the door with her wonderful chauffeur, who I've been calling Mr. Mom. One of the many perks of being his own boss, Bert has really spoiled me this fall by driving the carpool, not only in the mornings, but most afternoons as well. So much so, that one day when he had too many meetings scheduled to help out, I got my days mixed up and headed to Thunder's school, when he had already been gotten by my fellow-carpooler. The teacher's aide did not even know who I was or why I was there!! I'm looking around, quite confused and becoming worried since I didn't see my precious red-head sitting on the sidewalk, and the perky college kid says, "Hi! Can I help you, ma'am?" I explained I was looking for my SON and introduced myself. She laughed and said, "Right, he's already been picked up by C's Mom, since it was her turn to pick-up." I'm sure they all think I'm mother of the year.

Back to this particular morning though....

With Her Highness finally out the door, I get our Storm settled into a rerun of Scooby-Doo, refilled all chocolate milk cups, passed out a second round of dry cereal, started a load of laundry, then grabbed my cup from the counter, nuked it once more, and plopped down at the kitchen table with Bert, who was already back from carpooling.

I take a pull, from my much needed at this point, coffee cup. Somethings not right. Coffee doesn't have small chunks in it. But, no worries just yet. Countless times I have gone to take a sip of something, only to find tiny objects floating in my glass/can/flask. Barbie shoes, pieces of cracker, missing parts to Transformers, just to name a few. Only, this time, it felt different. This was definitely nothing of the plastic sort. And it certainly didn't disintegrate, like a cracker should and would after being dropped in luke warm coffee. No, no, my gag reflexes were already beginning to tell me this was something quite foreign to my tongue. I swabbed my finger to get it out, and immediately began gagging.

The look on my face must have said it all, as did the finger I was waving to Bert, with the tiny, wrinkled fly on the tip. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I ran to the kitchen sink and dry heaved several times. Bert came across the kitchen, choking himself, but only because he was holding in a belly-laugh. He held my hair back and fanned my face as I gripped the sides of the counter and continued my vomiting charade. Nothing ever came up, except the fly. And I finally calmed down enough to gag again and scream, "THAT'S THE NASTIEST THING THAT'S EVER BEEN IN MY MOUTH!! EWWWWWWWW!!! GROOSSSSSSS!"

Bert finally let out his belly laugh, sounding much like that of an old, crazy man who spends his entire day rocking on the front porch. The Hudson Storm had come to be my audience and marvel over the fly, which had been flung to the back of the sink. "Momma! Why did you eat that?" "Momma, are you okay?!" "Daddy, that's so funny isn't it?! Mommy tried to eat a fly!" "Momma, can I hold it? I wanna see it up close though. Why did you put that in your coffee? Well, how did it get there???" Just a few of the many questions I've answered... ALL DAY LONG.

This afternoon, Thunder came over to discuss the grossness once more and said, "Hey, Momma. It's kinda like that song we used to sing. You know, there was an old lady who swallowed a fly...." It's been stuck in my head ever since.

5 comments:

Cindy said...

Just so you don't feel so alone in this ordeal... once, in high school, i grabbed the wrong coffee cup off the dining room table, took a gulp, and quickly realized that it was a cup of coffee that either my mom or dad had left on the table from the evening before and HAD DUMPED CIGARETTES INTO! For this very reason, there are no matching coffee cups in my own home! Even when we have company, and there's that coffee or tea moment after dinner... no matching cups or mugs. EVER!

Ole Miss Mom said...

LOL!!! Oh no...that is pretty gross. I don't think (who really knows) what I've actually ingested as a mommy!

My mom once drank coffee with a roach in it...now THAT is gross! haha

Nikki McElroy said...

I had left a bottle of beverage on the counter the other day - thankfully, it was SCOTT who got the mouthful of fly! And I got over my irritation at not being able to find my drink real quick when he told me why he had thrown it out!

The Hills said...

I am so glad to hear that Cheez-its are sometimes on your breakfast menu. Why, just yesterday I ate some for breakfast while rushing to make it to church on time and since TJ saw me eating them, that's what he wanted too!

Kiera said...

Oh my.... I so would have thrown up too!! You precious thing! Sorry that had to happen! At least you have a fun story to tell about! Love and miss you!
I can so see Bert now with that laugh, but at least he did hold your hair! ;)