If any of you wonderful friends and family plan to give a gift to our children in the future, the gift must meet the following criteria....
Note: To run the proper tests on all probable gifts you will need a stop watch and possibly a first-aid kit.
Test 1: Start the timer and try to remove the toy from its package. If it takes more than eleven minutes to remove said toy from the package, scratch item from the list and move on to next choice.
Test 2: See that toys which are capable of breaking free from packaging in less than eleven minutes are also easy to assemble, stay put together when dropped/thrown from a balcony, and do not require a degree in engineering to play with. (To help you with your search, Transformers do not meet any of these requirements.)
Test 3: Try using gift idea as a weapon. Item may be tested by knocking your two year old upside the head. If he bleeds or cries when hit, scratch toy from the list.
Test 4: If probable gift has passed the above tests, throw it on the floor. Remove shoes and close your eyes tightly. Walk around barefoot, with eyes still closed to simulate waking at 2am and walking across house to get a crying child. Step on toy several times. If the toy makes you cry, bleed or cuss when stepped upon, do not purchase. Find another toy and repeat Tests 1-4 again.
If you are wondering which gifts would actually pass all of these tests, gift certificates for massages, pedicures and any restaurants without an indoor playground pass with flying colors, and are truly loved and appreciated by us all. After all, if Momma ain't happy......