Monday, December 6, 2010

Your Baby Can READ.... SO WHAT??

Have you seen this infomercial? If your a Momma with children under the age of six, and keep your tv tuned in to Nickelodeon 24/7, like me, then you've probably seen this a billion times. If not, take a quick gander...

Our babies' brains are incredible, there's not doubt about that. The fact that they can soak up and comprehend the world around them, long before they can verbally communicate, is proof to me that God did indeed create us all, fearfully and wonderfully.

That being said...

Is there really a NEED for our babies to read?? With products like this, our society has taken helicopter-parenting to a whole new level. (Helicopter-parenting: The act of a parent who constantly hovers, living vicariously through his/her children, in an effort to create Type A-over-achieving-perfectionist-robots.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you've tapped into some extra brain space early on and now can impress all your friends at the next playdate. What young parents don't realize is this... Once you have a true reader in the house, things get tricky. Just like many of the other milestones you're so happy for your first child to reach... rolling, crawling, walking, talking... You quickly realize with your subsequent children that while those milestones are fun, they're also a pain in the butt....

Now that you have a roller, you can no longer let the baby nap on your bed, which is his favorite spot in the whole house and the only spot he'll sleep more than seven minutes... Now that you have a crawler, you have to sweep and mop daily because the baby will be putting EVERYTHING in his mouth... Now that you have a walker, the baby will be getting into more trouble than you thought possible. No cabinet, closet, toilet is safe. You cannot turn your back for a second. Ever. Even if you have safety locks, the little Houdini will still find a way into trouble.... Now that you have a talker, you can expect him to repeat the sayings you probably shouldn't have said, at the most inopportune times.

Well, let me just tell ya, same thing goes for that old reading milestone as well.

Once you have a reader, gone are the days of calling up a girlfriend to schedule a playdate and spelling out the plans, "Hey, can y'all P-L-A-Y later? Great! Do you wanna G-O-S-W-I-M-M-I-N-G or take a P-I-C-N-I-C to the P-A-R-K?"

This is important to do, because should the plans be cancelled or changed at the last minute, your tiny people will whine. The. Rest. Of. The. Day.

Once you have a reader, you can no longer tell your husband to quit being a J-A-C-K-A-S-S about how much you spent last month.... on groceries. And, you can no longer tell him that he can take his M-O-T-H-E-R-F-L-I-P-P-I-N-G budget and shove it up his T-I-G-H-T-A-S-S. Not that I would EVER speak or spell in such a manner though. Nope, not me.

Also, forget spelling out your children's birthday wish list items to your mother-in-law over the phone. And don't ever forget to logout of your e-mail account around Christmastime, since you did just send that list to your husband titled, "STUFF KIDS WANT FROM SANTA... FIT THIS INTO YOUR BUDGET, BUTT HEAD."

Spelling out names and details you are discussing no longer works either. Instead of saying, "Today at Burger King, S-U-E-E-L-L-E-N tried to tell me that lil' J-O-H-N-P-A-R-K-E-R was potty trained at 18 months, and glanced down all self-righteous, looking at my 2 year old in a diaper still. I wanted to scream at her, 'Your kid just laid a T-U-R-D up in the tunnel, you I-D-I-O-T! I'm no D-U-M-M-Y!' So, if you call that potty-trained, then fine. But I don't want to clean C-R-A-P out of underwear! You know? Why does she have to be all high and mighty? I don't think we can play with them anymore. It's just not good for my Christianity!"

It doesn't stop there. Don't write anything embarrassing on your grocery list that you don't want announced loud and proud for all Publix patrons to hear... "Mommy! Next on your list is ta-tam-tamp-TAMPONS!! DID YOU GET YOUR EXTRA ABSORBENCY TAMPONS YET MOMMA?? Oh, you did?? Okay, then now on the list is pr-prep-prepar...umm...PREPARATION H! How about that one? Did you get your PREPARATION H YET MOMMA??" Awesome. And, if you have a smart-alek husband like mine, who sees your list out on the counter then adds naughty items to the list while you aren't looking, you might have a hard time explaining some of those as well. Yes, you could just re-write the list when you notice he's done that, but if you've got the time to re-write a list you've been scribbling on for the last four days, then you've got more time on your hands than I do.

So, if you're an under-achiever like me, who's completely fine with allowing the kindergarten teacher to do her job and teach your child to read when they're five years old, instead of five days old, take pride in the fact that you're not a helicopter parent. And at the next playdate, when SueEllen starts to brag on lil' John Parker for being able to read at six months, boldly look her in the eyes and say, "So?"

Invent a program that teaches ALL the males in my house to ring the toilet when taking a leak. Then, I'll be impressed.


Mandy in Wonderland said...

Oh the things that are not good for our Christianity! I love it!!! Love, love reading your blogs Holly. I agree, our babies should not read!! I'm in agreement that milestones are over-rated!! My 13yr old thinks he needs to shave! Read that mommas who wants to push your babies to read, they will want to shave soon!!

The Hills said...

Agreed. Boo to those over bearing parents who force their sweet babies to grow up too fast! (Chanting) LET THEM BE BABIES!!!

And, I also LOVE (dripped in sarcasm) when Thomas asks me "Why is our checking account so low?" I just think, with rolling eyes, "Did you see that dinner you just ate...that I just cooked?"

Jennifer said...

Amen to the "went over budget...on groceries." Nick once told me to cut back on spending. I was like, sure, pick one, we can either not eat, or the kids can be naked. Your choice. Husbands can be such A-S-S-F-A-C-E-S. And no worries here, as you can well imagine, my children are nowhere near learning to read. Or even spell. Ava told Scott on the way to school today how to spell 'happy.' Q-Z-T-Y-Z-Z-4.

And she's five.

Trace Car Driver said...

bahahaha! just what i needed to read this morning. wanna hear a milestone my 22 mo just reached- repeating EVERYTHING he hears. if i were to have screamed at him "you are SUCH A BRAT" the other day, there's no way he would have ever repeated "such a BRAT" for the next 3 minutes. nope, not at our house! what a parenting fail. whoops!
:D thanks for the laughs holly!!

tarheelmom said...

(laughing and pppsstthh)...Quit making me spit out my Dr. Pepper through my nose! It's the only caffeine I allow myself during the day!
Seriously, they showed this guy on the Today Show about his Baby Can Read and it pretty much showed it was BS. showed that some kids do recognize the words early, but that they cannot cognitively use that information to create sounds for new words, much less put them into a sentence.
Anywho...loving the always.

Lindy said...

Thank you for a good laugh today! The last sentence is the best! If someone can teach a man/boy to perfect his aim then they have really accomplished something great!

The Mundies said...

Love this!!

Sara Elizabeth said...

Every time! That is how often I sneer at that infomercial. I have tears streaming down my face, I am laughing so hard at your post. Please never stop writing!

Jessica said...

You're killing me with laughs this morning! I have laughed so hard!:)

Brittny said...

Sooooooooo much fun reading your blog! I love it! My favorite new saying, "It's just not good for my Christianity!" I am with you on that one!!!

Funny thing about that grocery list and a joking husband, mine did that when we had been married for a year. He wrote CONDOMS, CONDOMS, CONDOMS on there in bold letters. So what did I do? I bought three of the biggest boxes I could find. You should have seen his face when he got home and saw them sitting on the counter. (Then we forget to take any of these on our mission trip the next month and come home with baby #1.) Yup!

Finally, we were at the mall one night with a bunch of friends and my kids were running around like chickens with their heads cut off and screaming with glee. The new family's dad looked at me and said, "Wow, your kids are REALLY loud." I just wanted to say, "Yes, yours are better behaved and don't run away and sit still and look at my children like they are crazy, but now we can no longer hang out with you again. Good-bye."

I would have zero problem hanging out with your OR the methods that you use for anything and everything. If anything, my abs would be in great shape from all the laughing we'd be doing! (Hopefully the next time I'm in Auburn we can finally meet.)

Meg said...

A-men! Love it, love it, love it!!! Not only is it insane, but who has time???