Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Whimsical Beds, Platinum Edition

The Hudson children have never been huge advocates of sleep.
When I was pregnant with Flash Flood, I wrote this post: Whimsical Beds, A Game Played Just Like Musical Chairs.  The Storm still enjoys this bedtime game, but now it goes a little more like this....

 7:45: From the couch, look up from Candy Crush/Facebook/other mindless distraction you've rewarded yourself with, in effort to tune out whatever obnoxious Disney show is on at the moment.  State in matter of fact tone, "Time for bed. Go potty and brush teeth."

7:50: Look up again to realize no one budged.  Say in teacher voice, "You have approximately three seconds to move your behinds to the bathroom... 3-2..."

7:59: Finally put ipad down and use booming Drill Sergeant voice, "I SAID, GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, USE THE POTTY, AND GET IN YOUR BEDS!!  Why do I have to practically light my hair on fire to get a response out of you children??! Tomorrow night there will be NO TV, NO electronics, NO FUN of any kind if you don't GO RIGHT NOW!!"
Watch everyone scramble to the bathroom sink.  Remind them to actually use the toothpaste this time.

8:10: Get off couch and shoo the stragglers towards their beds.  Tuck each kid in his/her own bed, prayers and kisses included.

8:23:  Tell each child no less than 12 times, "The kitchen is CLOSED. No, you won't starve before morning.  You should have eaten more at dinner. FINE. Grab a couple of carrots and get back in the bed... What do you mean you forgot to potty?? Go to the bathroom, get a sip of water, get back in the bed. GOODNIGHT."

8:30: Carry chubby toddler to your bed.  (Ahem. Which is also her bed.) Hand 20 month old her bottle of milk. (I muttered those sentences while looking down at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact with you.) Lay next to her in the dark, making mental lists of all the things you forgot to do today. Let chubby 20 month old pinch your arm flab while she falls asleep.  Plan to sneak out of the bed, but decide you're too tired and.... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:47: Wake up to television blaring ESPN.  Shuffle into living room, turn tv down, throw blanket on husband, who is snoring on the couch.  Check to see if all the doors are locked.  Move 3 year old from the couch with husband, back to his bed.Check on other kids. Remember you left clothes in the wash, move them to dryer.  Play Candy Crush/Facebook/other mindless distraction on your phone for the next 27 minutes because you're now wide awake. But still too tired to be productive. Eventually doze off.

 11:31: 7 year old starts a dry, hacking cough.  Sit up and listen for him to stop.  Take him a cup of water and wake him, prop pillows underneath his head and pray its not the beginning of croup. Shuffle back to bed, pass out.

Midnight:  Hear husband fumbling around in kitchen.Then hear sounds of cereal being poured.  Roll eyes, doze off.

12:34: Chubby 20 month old cries out for no apparent reason.  Feel around for passie in the dark.  Hear it hit the head board, as you knock it to the floor.  Hold out arm in hopes she'll be soothed by squeezing your arm flab instead.  Pray her strange habit isn't the early sign of a serial killer, as you both fall back to sleep.

1:11: Feel 3 year old trying to climb into bed, clumsily, since he has his blankie, set of matchbox cars, and a creepy porcelain clown your sweet neighbor gave him from her thrift store pile she was planning to donate.  Beg three year old to please go back to his own bed, and do so quietly, so not to wake his baby sister.  3 year old begins crying for milk, and insists on making room for ALL his crap. Hand off sippy cup, while tucking the blankie, cars and scary clown (face down, to avoid it's sad eyes suddenly glowing red, as it makes plans to murder you in your sleep) into your spot.  Move to couch.

2:23: Hear sweet 10 year old daughter say, "Momma, sorry to wake you up, but my eczema is super itchy.  We forgot my cream again. Can you put some on my arms and legs?" Coat itchy tween in expensive steroid cream. Make mental note to call doc in the morning to get a refill on the prescription. Fall asleep the second your head hits pillow, while simultaneously deleting mental note from memory.

3:18: Wake up. On your own. No rhyme or reason.  WIDE AWAKE.  Consider punching yourself in the face. What in the world is your problem?? Flip through channels and nearly order one of everything on each infomercial you see.  Decide you need to stick to Full House reruns when the Chillow begins to look appealing. 

4:45: Hear 5 year old digging in the laundry for dry pajama pants.  Hear him plummeting through linen closet for a quilt. Feel same boy wiggle his way onto the couch where you're trying to sleep, even though there are two vacant ones in the same room. Threaten to move him to the dogs' bed outside if he doesn't get still and go to sleep.

5:57: Hear 8 year old son walking around the house in search of the ipad.  (This of course only happens on the weekends.  Because on school days I have to drag him out of the bed.) Use the hoarse whisper version of the drill sergeant's voice to remind him it's SATURDAY and if he wakes anyone else up, there will be serious consequences. 

6:22: Wake up to 20 month old's pitter pattering as she looks for you. "MOMMA! MOMMA! I wanna hold you... I wanna milk baba... I wanna watch Gabba Gabba!... MOMMA! MOMMA! I WANNA HOLD YOU!!!!"

6:23: Stare blankly at coffee pot, and plead with it to brew faster.

6:36: Break up a fight, pour three bowls of cereal, and consider crawling back in bed. Wake up husband and give briefing of his Saturday schedule which includes a karate belt test, play rehearsal, and three birthday parties, two of which are overlapping.

8:05: Put your big girl panties on, grab second cup of coffee, and hit the ground running. You're already late.


Anonymous said...

You always look so pretty and restful! You must be one of those who doesn't need much sleep.

tarheelmom said...

Awww...I was gonna say that is a hoot, but really I'm just gonna pray for some sleep for you!
Thank goodness mine sleep pretty good. Dang, I hope I didn't just jinx myself!
Cheers to your morning coffee!

Ann Marie said...

I hate to say this made me laugh. You always look so beautiful to get so little sleep. I hope you are planning your revenge for when they are teenagers. :)