Friday, January 30, 2009

Two hours of my life I can never get back

Last night Bert and I watched Transporter II, on FX. Let me just start by saying that was the biggest waste of time FX could have possibly aired. The movie must have been written by a 15 year old male. 19 minutes into it, I looked over at Bert and said, "Okay, seriously, we're losing brain cells here." To which, Bert responded, "Come on, it's not that bad. I admit, it's missing a plot, but I've seen worse." Translate: Male + gun fights + car chasing + crotch shots (explanation: the hot female nemesis had a tattoo right on the top of her inner thigh, which was suppose to be a clue to who knows what, and the fact that they had to show that over and over again proves my point that a 15 year old male wrote the stinkin' story) = holding his attention just enough not to change the channel/not that bad.

In Bert's defense, our remote control is broken, (Hail spilled my entire cup of coffee on it one morning) so we're living in the stone ages until one of us remembers to stop by the Charter office and exchange it for a new one. You would think it would be at the top of our list... well, it's not, that is until the kids are in the bed and we're trying to find something good to watch.

This brings me to my next point. Since I'm too lazy to hop up during commercial breaks, I've been watching the wonderful advertisements that companies are paying big bucks for marketing teams to produce. To the men out there who are dumb enough to buy the whole "Natural Male Enhancement" scheme, I would like for you to be sterilized immediately. For the love of all mankind, we do not need you reproducing. I am afraid once you idiotic males feel "enhanced" more idiotic dingbats will be produced, who will grow up and write more exciting action packed thrillers such as Transporter II.

While I am harping on wasted time in front of the teli, I would like to move on to my next complaint. The Duggars. Originally, I found their family interesting and sweet. Now I am finding them annoying and almost gross. Did anyone catch the Duggar Wedding episode??? Weird. They actually stated in their vows to let God determine the number of children they would have. WHAT?? Okay, I will go ahead and beat all of you to the punch, NO those weren't the vows heard at our wedding too. I mean, come on people!

Next, while not flipping channels during The Duggars, I kept seeing commercials for yes, male enhancements, but also for a new series airing on Animal Planet called "Jockeys." Animal Planet, please stick to what you know... ANIMALS. There are enough fake reality shows that glamorize careers that aren't glamorous. Besides, the world only loves "Little People, Big World" because it is an original. Sticking them on horses and calling it "Jockeys" is not original.

I'm going to end my hissy where I started... FX. Other than the 84 times a month that you play 13 Going on 30 or Shallow Hal, I don't care if you shut down the network entirely. Letting your horny, 17 year old grandson select all the shows and movies (which were written by his friends and peers (see first paragraph)) is lazy and again, a waste of air time. Hiring an adult (female) might help you get sponsors other than Enzyte.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Walk Down Memory Lane...

I've always tried to be the type of Mother who didn't cling too tightly to the past. I didn't cry when my babies grew out of their 0-3 months clothes. I didn't watch home videos of them just learning to roll over after they learned how to walk. I did cry when I dropped Lucy off for her first day of kindergarten, but not for long. I'm not bragging, nor do I think this is the only way to be. I'm just stating a fact... I want to be the type of Mother who grows with her children and appreciates each stage, all while having fun every step of the way.
This often proves easier said than done.

Occasionally, I'll catch a glimpse of Lucy and think, "That's exactly what she's going to look like when she's grown." In moments such as these, I get a huge lump in my throat and have to fight back tears. The boys still have their baby fat and faces, so they don't give me quite the same reactions just yet. I've always enjoyed being near my children and watching them play together. Sometimes I imagine taking a digital picture of them, and saving it to the memory card in my brain, though that software isn't as accurate as the one on my computer. But, the one on my computer can't remind me how they felt so soft, sounded so sweet and smelled of Johnson & Johnson's Lavender baby lotion. I have done this "brain freeze picture imaging" countless times, and I will be honest, tonight my memory card is failing me. I hope that one day it will replay in my head, maybe as I hold my new grand babies for the first time. Or on a day when I just need a pick me up, the lifelong "Tivo" will automatically select "play" and all my fun will flash and dance before me.
I have heard many wise Mommas, who I think the world of, say over and over again, "WRITE it ALL down! You will forget the cute things they say." So, while I can remember these two, I'm going to do just that.

One night, when Lucy was only two years old, I was getting ready to go out with a group of ladies from church. Lucy sat on my bathroom counter watching me get ready for the evening, playing in my makeup bag, and talking about things that made her feel grown. She started this tradition at only 18 months old, and she still does it now. I hope she always will. Anyway, she asked several times why she couldn't go out for Girl's Night.
"I am a girl."
"I know, I know, but you'll have more fun if you stay here and play. It's really more like a meeting, you would be bored."
I lied. Even at the young age of two, Lucy loved social settings.
"So, who's gonna babysit us?"
"Daddy. He will be home from work soon."
"But Momma, why aren't you going to leave us with a grown-up?"
I promise that is a true story.
She was barely two years old, and those exact words came out of that precious child's mouth. I laughed so hard I cried. At the sweet age of TWO, she got it. She understood at two, what it takes men their entire lives to understand.

Lucy began taking ballet lessons when she was three years old. After her very first dance class, Bert and I were pumping her for information, wanting to hear all about it.
"Did you like the teacher? Did you have fun? What new friends did you make..."
Lucy answered each question with exact details, as she always has.
"The teacher was very nice. Her name is Mrs. Cindy. We danced like butterflies and got to say our names and everyone was wearing pink tutus! And I made a new friend named Nervous." She said without even making a face to signify that might be a weird name.
"Nervous? WHO was named that? Honey, I don't think anyone was named Nervous." I tried to explain.
Lucy responded without missing a beat, "Yes she was, Momma! The teacher kept saying, 'It's okay, you're just NERVOUS."'

So, in the quick moments that I feel I'm losing the battle to the sappy, tear jerking side of Motherhood, I try to remember precious moments such as these, and thank GOD for giving me such fun and sweet times. I can't wait to see what more HE has planned.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Voices in My Head

I spend approximately 1 1/2 hours in the car line a week. This gives me ample time to read, talk with my boys, who are stuck in their car seats, and force them into meaningful conversations (as meaningful as a 4 and 2 year old can get) or just "people watch". Many days I'm ambitious enough to multi-task and combine the toddler meaningful conversation with the people watching. Though sometimes that is hard since I was taught how to people watch by the master of all people watching, my Mother. My Mom LOVES to watch how different people handle different situations, all while they are unaware that a whole reality tv show is being viewed, even if only for a second, and they are the stars. My Mom is hilarious in pointing these things out too. She would never point her finger or gawk, that's un-southern, she just simply goes into a mock conversation of how/what these people are saying or thinking. My Mom is hilarious, so her mock conversations usually send those who are within earshot into side-splitting laughter. Once you hear part of her "conversation" it's then your turn to complete two tasks: 1. Figure out who in the world she is talking about 2. Complete the discussion as the person you are watching would most likely say it. Being raised by a Mother who has always been so good at this game has only caused me to hear these conversations in my head when I am alone, or in the presence of someone who would think I had lost my mind.

Often when sitting in the car line, while waiting for my sweet Lucy to finish her oh-so-important popsicle stick painting, that is going to teach her how not only to do algebra, but also to solve world hunger, I look into the cars to my side and think about the other caregivers who are waiting to collect their pride and joy:

The Mom in the new gold suburban who is ALWAYS on her cell, even AFTER little John Parker hops into the car, would be saying, to her cell, not her child or the sweet teacher who is helping him in the car, (Read with a valley girl voice) "Did you see her? She's so gained every single bit of weight she lost last year. Seriously, when I went to see his teacher today I was like, um, I'm not sure why you keep asking me to come in for a conference, John Parker is just strong-willed. If you can't handle him, maybe we should change teachers. You do know that my father-in-law owns a construction company here in town, right? Oh, John Parker just needs more praise, he doesn't do well with criticism. Do you think he should be tested for the gifted program? We're also having him tested for ADD. But, I think he's just so smart that he's like bored or something..." To which I scream as she drives by, "GET OFF THE PHONE! You haven't seen Lil' John Parker ALL DAY! " Okay, so not really, but one of these days I'm going to.

Then, there's the helpful grandmother, who drives the black CR-V whose voice sounds (in my head) like the Fairy Godmother on Cinderella. The car smells of fresh baked cookies and when her grandson hops in, she says sweet things like, "Oh, Bobby. You look just like your Daddy did on his 102nd day of Kindergarten. My how you've grown! Here's your fresh squeezed lemonade, Honey."

There's the chain-smoker, who thinks just because she's in her own car the NO SMOKING on SCHOOL GROUNDS rule doesn't apply to her. I'm going to cut her some slack though, she usually has on a Waffle House uniform. And, props to "Tanya" as I call her, for putting out the cig before "Angel" sulks into the sputtering teal Chevy. Tanya can be heard talking in a southern hick drawl like the wonderful actors from the movie Varsity Blues, "Angel-Baby (starts smacking on a piece of Nicorette) how many times did'ja git sent to timeout today? And what fur? Well, you best be keepin' yur smart mouth shut. Did'ja make anybody cry today? The teacher again? GREAT. Now I'm gonna have to go back up thur. Yur Diddy is gonna be so pissed..."

There's Susie Homemaker, in her shiny new van with freshly vacuumed carpets, and a small child with freshly brushed hair and a monogrammed outfit that of course coordinates with the kindergartener she is so enthusiastically collecting from a day of learning. She goes by Mrs. Stewart, only because she seems that proper and I can't think of a smart-alek first name to go with her seemingly perfect world. All her sentences are spoken correctly and completely, with exact annunciations. As little Mary Kay-Eloise Stewart gets into the car, her ginormous hair bow gets caught in the van door and she cries the entire way to their house with a pounding head ache, all because Mrs. Stewart was too embarrassed to stop the traffic behind her and put the van in park, so the automatic door could open and free lil' Mary Kay "hyphenated" Eloise's head from the closed position. No, she would rather the monogrammed bow get squished, she can always iron that out later.

Then, there's the laid back, too cool for school Mom who's always in her pj pants with greasy hair thrown back in a pony tail. Her dusty van is filled with cracker crumbs, old smelly sippy cups, and french fries that are hard and crusty, (she can't even remember the last time she went through a drive thru). She always scampers as the door is opening, to keep any debris from falling out onto the sidewalk, such as said sippy cups or old color sheets from Bible class. Her name is "Holly" and her conversations can be heard in a lazy southern dialect, "No, Thunder. Honey bees do not eat people. No they don't. Neither do lizards. Lightning, don't eat the sticker you got at the doctor's office! Put it back on your shirt. Yes, Thunder. Sharks will eat people. Yes, bears will too." This Mom's car load contains boys who haven't had their hair brushed since they went to church on Sunday, and most days can be found wearing a shirt or pants. Very rarely are they wearing both. As her little pride and joy pops into the car, sounds of a super drama queen can be heard, "Momma! I thought you were NEVER gonna get here today! All my friends got picked up first and I had to sit with BOYS! YUCK!" "Well, Your Highness, I still picked you up quicker than the bus. Would you like to ride it tomorrow?"
She complains no more. And, "Holly" is glad, for how would she entertain herself from 1:40-2:00 each afternoon?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Bologna Awards

Okay, so I've been "honored" by a great gal-pal from college, Cortney (McKinney Madness) with a prestigious blog award... I was also "tagged" by another super fun college bud, Brooke (Babbling Brookie) a long time ago, but since I suffer daily with a serious condition I refer to as Mom-nesia, I forgot and never did complete her game. Sorry, Brooke! So, now I'm going to combine the two and here I go: For Cortney's I'm supposed to list five things I am addicted to, then honor five others with the prestigious blog award, and they are supposed to carry on and on and on... You get the point. I'm going to answer the questions from Brooke's as well, so those of you that get "honored" or "tagged" take your pick. Sorry, I'm a rebel... a rule breaker... yeah, that's me.

The Top FIVE Most Addictive Things in My Life:
(In no particular order)

1. JESUS- nuff said.

2. Pepridge Farm Mint Milano Cookies chased down by just about any Starbucks coffee- For real, my mouth waters just thinking about it. Y-to the-U-to the-M.

3. Sunday afternoon naps- For some reason, I guess it's just how my body is programmed, but every single Sunday I'm super sleepy and need a nap. I don't take naps any other day, I guess it's just the fact that I did it all my life, so as soon as we finish with lunch after church, I want to put on comfy sweats, get cozy on the couch and doze. Wait, today is Sunday... zzzzzz....

4. Sloppy kisses and hugs from anyone in my family. My entire family is very touchy-feely. We love to hug, lay across each other on the couch, etc, so this was an adjustment to Bert when we first started dating. We also say, "I love you" every time we talk, so I think that was a little weird for him when my Mom would say it to him before hanging up the phone. It's just what we do. Now, I'm that same way with our kids, and so is Bert. If we're watching a show together, we're all piled on the couch, and we say "I love you" for no reason at all, like when we're cleaning the house... Wait a second, maybe the kids have figured out that once they say that I'm not as fussy... Those little rascals!

5. Reading- Bert will laugh when he sees this because lately he's read way more books than I have, but I do love to read. Anything. I always have a magazine or book with me in the car line waiting to pick up Lucy, and I love reading blogs and other super important stuff on the internet.
Part II Crazy 8
8 of my Favorite Shows
1. The Office
2. The Today Show
3. The Weather Channel
4. This is so sad, but my kids run the house so, other than the few times I check the weather or catch a few minutes of The Today Show in the morning (just so I can feel a little like a grown-up) I don't ever get to watch real tv! My tv is stuck on the Disney Channel or Noggin the rest of the time! Or ESPN once Bert gets home. How sad is that??

8 of my Favorite Restaurants
As much as I love my kiddos, these are all the places I love to eat when it's just me and Bert! Throw four crazies in the mix and suddenly your food doesn't taste as good.
1. Provino's
2. Laredo's
3. Zazu's
The following are places I love to go with my zoo:
4. Chick-fil-a
5. Ruby Tuesday
6. Logan's (The peanut restaurant as Lucy calls it)
7. Any restaurant with a clean indoor playground
8. Zaxby's

8 Things that have Happened Today:
1. We slept in-- 6:55! Woo-hoo!
2. Went to Church
3. Ate Lunch
4. Changed a nasty diaper then had to give Hank a bath (It was that bad.)
5. Took a nap
6. Checked e-mail
7. Blog stalked
8. Filled 27 sippy cups

8 Thins I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Finishing these surveys
2. Tagging Brooke with the Blog Award so she has to do another one of these :-)
3. Having our Share Group over tonight for Bible study
4. The boys taking a nap
5. April 15th (tax season ENDS!)
6. Eating mint Milano cookies and chasing them down with Starbucks Christmas blend
7. Next Sunday's nap
8. Hanging out with my girlfriends

8 Things On My Wish List:
1. World Peace
2. Mint Milano Cookies to become fat-free and contain an anti-aging ingredient
3. Live-in maid
4. For time to stand still anytime I'm hugging one of my babies or anytime they are doing something sweet/cute.
5. The desire to want to learn how to sew- I love home-made clothes (on kids) and I just have NO desire to learn. Oh, well. I'll keep relying on hand-me-downs.
6. Hank to sleep through the night
7. Hank to sleep in his own bed
8. All the boys to start taking naps again

Okay, I think that about wraps it up. Now, after much deliberation, the jury has chosen the Top Five Blog Award Winners! Drum roll please..........

5. Kiera Keen of It's a Keen Life! Come on down!! I love Kiera so much and miss her since she moved to NC. Her laugh is infectious, I can hear it right now as I type this.
4. Brooke Cameron of The Babbling Brookie! Brooke was a super fun girlfriend back in college and I love reading her posts. I am living vicariously through her much of the time.
3. Cindy Prater author of Super Cooper & Prissy Sissy- She's one rocking Mom who is hilarious.
2. Tesney Davis- Minivans and Mom Jeans! She's too cute and always has fun stories.
1. Shekinah Glory & Dixie-- okay, so neither of these gals even have blogs, but if they did, I would laugh until I cried and then laugh again. Both of these girls have been a part of my life nearly forever, and they are seriously some of the funniest people I know. So, maybe this will encourage them to join the blogging community. Come on girls, you know you want to!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Take it like a MAN!

Recently, while trying a discipline technique my Mother uses with her fifth graders, the following conversation took place:

Me: "Jack, that's the second time I told you not to do that! Now, what do YOU think your punishment should be?"

Jack: "Ummm, well, how 'bout I don't get to go to any parks the rest of the day... Ummm, or I don't get to watch no more movies tonight... Oh, I know! How about I don't get to eat any more deserts today!"

It was 8 pm so obviously I wasn't even going to consider any of his requests.

Lucy: "Jack, choose a spankin' and take it like a MAN!"

Here are some shots of what we've been up to lately.

Baby Bach

Lucy took this one all by herself and said, "It's for your blog!"

A common occurrence at our house. What goes better with a STORM than mud?

Ty cried when I told him to go around to the hose so I could rinse him off before taking a bath. It was pretty cold out, so I don't blame him. Bert showed mercy and rinsed them with warm water.

A visit from Cookie & Granddaddy

Hangin' with Lucy's favorite cuz, Lily

Side note:
Lucy is now reading. I'm so excited and proud of her. I'm sure this milestone will be much like the others... I was so excited when she began walking, then I wished she couldn't go quite so fast. I was thrilled when she began talking, then she started repeating things I was saying at the most inopportune times. What fun will an extra reader bring to our family... Time will only tell.