Saturday, February 28, 2009

I know you are, so what am I?

My kids love to smart off to one another. What's the point of having siblings if you can't make them cry once in a while? I like to think my children are learning how to deal with the "real world." At least, that's what I tell myself. In the younger years with Her Highness and Thunder, what we now refer to as the "Calm Before the Storm" (if we had only known then...) the meanest things they could think to say to one another when in a dispute was, "You're not my friend!" The first time I heard our sweet little Princess scream at her brother, I had mixed emotions. Could this really be happening? And is that seriously the meanest thing she could think to say? It was cute though, the two year old equivalent of "Screw you, buddy." Now days, we've grown accustomed to it, but get tickled just the same. We constantly hear conversations like the following...

Her Highness:
"Who wants to play barbies with me?"
As if you are winning a prize to even be invited to such a joyous occasion.

The Storm shoots her down:
"Not me! That's for girls. I wanna play super heroes/chase/ride the gator."

Her Highness:
"You don't wanna play cause YOU have a GIRLFRIEND! YOU have a GIRLFRIEND!"
She will sing with a vengeance.

It works the other way too.

"Hey, Lucy! Get outta my spot! MOM, I had to go pee and when I came back she was in my spot on the couch. See... my blankies (he has THREE) are still there where she is sitting! I said MOVE NOW! Okay then, YOU have a BOYFRIEND! YOU have a BOYFRIEND!"

Yep, them's fighting words these days.

Also, if you really want to piss off any of the preschool crowd in my house, simply mock their every word.

"This game is dumb."

"This game is dumb."

"Stop it! I'm telling Momma."

"Stop it! I'm telling Momma."

I'll be honest. I join in the fun at times, and have found it beneficial. Especially when it comes to whining. I hate whining. So, when the kiddos hear me whine back what they are saying, they usually quit and either walk away annoyed, or say the sentence again using a "big girl/boy voice." And, since we're being honest, I sometimes do it just to bug them, even when they aren't whining. Don't judge me... you have NO idea what it's like to live with these creatures! I have to get my kicks somehow.

Recently, Hail won a Battle of the Wits, though he was completely unaware of his triumph. Being 16 months old, he is discovering new words and constantly parroting words he hears. One afternoon, Hail had been copying the final word of every sentence heard. Every. Single. Sentence. Enter Lightning.

"Momma, can we go outside?"

Hail: "Outside."

Lightning: "Momma, can I go outside and have a snack?"

Hail: "Snack."

Lightning looks over at Hail with furrowed eyebrows, but chooses to ignore him at this point.

Lightning: "I wanna ride my scooter."

Hail: "Scooter."
Laughing this time, as he is so proud of himself for saying such a big word.

Lightning, now taking offense for the laughter is where Hail apparently crossed the line:
"STOP copying ME!"

Hail: "ME!" Claps then repeats, "ME-ME-ME!"

Lightning: "Right now! Don't you say what I say! No-no! That's a stinky baby! No!"

Hail: "Na-na-na. Tinky baby. Na-na-na."

Lightning, furious: "Momma! Spank that stinky baby's bottom. Spank him, Momma, cause he is being mean and copying me. Spank him for being mean."

Hail: "Pank-baby. MEAN." more clapping and laughing.

By this point I too am laughing, because Hail didn't even realize what was going on, and obviously Lightning didn't either. Lightning finally sulked off, when he saw that no spankings would be dealt for that offense. Hail toddled away to pester another sibling unknowingly.

Hail= 1 Lightning= 84,000
But at least he finally scored.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Thank-you, TLC

Dear TLC and Network Affiliates,

On behalf of all the mothers out there who were beginning to feel less adequate compared to the Supermoms of the world that are raising perfect little world beaters, I would like to say thank-you for your new series, "Toddlers & Tiaras." I now feel like the title holder of "World's Best MOM" for not living vicariously through my little girl. I am so proud to have been nominated for the following reasons: 1. I would NEVER in a million years have my five year old spray-tanned. 2. I would NEVER thrust my child in front of a panel of judges and wait for them to tell me if she is pretty enough to win a crown that can be found at your local Dollar General store along with a stupid title that is so long even the emcee who is reading from a card can't get it all straight. Example- "Little Miss Universal Universe Royalty Diamond Castle Barbie Princess."
3. And I would NEVER EVER order a set of fake teeth so that her snaggle-toothed grin could be "more perfect."

TLC, you have renewed my faith in mediocracy and helped me to regain the strength to face another day of doing just enough to get my child to school (not on time, but to school non the less) and keep them all fed and dressed. The fact that no one in my household has worn freshly ironed clothes in almost two years will no longer bother me. The fact that my son had Cheez-its for breakfast will not weigh on my conscience one second longer. For this I shall be forever grateful.

Your Reigning Worlds Almost Best Mom Universal Royalty Winner

*You too can get this boost of confidence for your parenting life. Tune in on Tuesdays, 9pm, TLC.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Should I Be Concerned?

Her Highness recently informed me that she's been praying EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for a baby sister.
Should I be concerned?

My kids LOVE "30 Minute Meals" with Rachel Ray. One day, Rachel had on a very low cut top... make that most days. While she was chopping chives, Thunder noticed her wardrobe, and hoped for a malfunction. "Momma, I can see she's (his pronouns are horrible) boobies!" To which I replied, "No you can't! Quit that nonsense now." A few moments later, while Rachel was stirring a pot of soup, he said, "What if her shirt fell off into that soup. Then I could see she's boobies!" He is only four years old. Should I be concerned?? Later that night when I was telling Bert about Thunder's obsession with Rachel Ray's "boobies" Bert simply stated, "She is pretty cute." Seriously, should I be concerned?

Lightning has insisted on wearing a "stuper-huro" shirt and underwear for nearly three months straight. If I don't have both, a clean shirt and pair of underwear ready for him each day, he has a complete meltdown. He has spent much of his time in a full Spider-man costume, mask and all. My Mom tried to help with this obsession and bought him a Spider-man jacket and Batman shoes over the weekend. He now wants to sleep in the shoes. Should I be concerned??

Hail, at 16 months old, couldn't care less about his parents' discipline tactics. Earlier this week he stood on the kitchen table, looked straight at Bert and me and said, "Awww dun." (All done.) Then, threw a glass on the floor and broke it... for the third time in two weeks. As Bert headed towards the table, he stated "You are going to get a spankin'. You did that on purpose." Hail then turned sideways, so we could see his profile, placed his chubby little toddler hand on his chubby little toddler bottom, and patted it several times with a "na-na-na." HUGE smile on his face. Should I be concerned?

I have always been a huge day dreamer. I had all of my high school teachers fooled. I would stare right into their eyes, and nod occasionally, so they would think I was listening. All while I was day dreaming about how wonderful life would be as an adult: No school. Glamorous career. World traveler. Cocktails on the beach. I now find myself day dreaming, as The STORM does further damage to the backyard, I drink a cocktail on the patio, just to sedate myself long enough to accept this career as glamorous and the fact that I am a world traveler, but it is as the chauffeur to my five year old who has a better social life than me.
Should I be concerned??

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sounds Around the Zoo

Thunder, pointing to the television as the commercial for the Barack Obama Collector's Coin plays:

"It's the President of America's Funniest Home Videos, The-Rock-A-Bama!"

Lightning, begging to be held in the recliner, when I already had Hank & Jack in my lap:

"Yes there is room! You have a FAT lap!"

Her Highness, when she realized I was already at my wits end, and breakfast hadn't even been served:

"Momma, do you think you have too many kids?"

Hail, without ceasing:

"I neet dint! DINT! I neet DINT! MOMMA!! I NEET DINT! I neet Wassy! WASSY! MOMMA!!!"

(I need drink and passy.)

It's five o'clock somewhere...

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Snaggle Tooth Princess Attends Her First Royal Ball

Lucy lost her first tooth last week, and her second over the weekend. She now has a slight lisp, which I find quite adorable. She was thrilled when she found the "Toof Thairy" left a whole dollar along with a note explaining that $1 would be left only for teeth that meet the Fairy Standards. Teeth that don't comply will only get 25 cents. So far this technique has helped with the fit throwing at bedtime when the topic of brushing teeth was approached.

Lucy's last pic with all her baby teeth

The Snaggle Tooth Princess was taken to a Royal Ball with the King last Thursday. Our town's Parks & Rec center holds a fund raiser each year called "Daddy Daughter Date Night." Bert and Lucy attended this year and had a blast. They danced for nearly two hours straight. Before they left for the night, I wanted to take some pics of Lucy all dressed up. As you can see, she thought my picture taking was a little obnoxious. I think my parents have some of me making the EXACT same faces before one of my proms. Bert bought Lucy a corsage to wear, since this was an extra fancy occasion. I thought she would be all over that, since it was PINK. She looked down at it and said, "Umm, Mom. This may have been in style when you were five, but I don't think it is anymore." Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome the future host of "What Not to Wear."
As they were walking out the door, I was reminded once again as to why I married Bert in the first place. I always knew he would be an incredible Father. I over heard him say to Lucy, "I'm the luckiest Daddy who will be there." "Why" she asked, excitedly. "Because I have the prettiest date by far."

This was not the first "date" for Bert and Lucy. Bert has always enjoyed taking her out, just the two of them, and plans to make it a regular occurrence so that one day when Lucy is old enough to date (yikes) she will know how a girl is supposed to be treated. Bert has other ideas to help keep down the worry during the dating years. Besides bench pressing 300 lbs as her date walks into the house, he plans to always make Lucy go "Dutch." This is so no boy would "expect" anything in return. With a Daddy like hers, and three brothers right behind her, I don't think we will ever have to worry about any boy getting fresh with Lucy! Especially since her brothers have had so much practice rescuing their favorite damsel in distress.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Pray For Me

Bert's Mom made a wish he would someday have a child just like him....

I like to think she made this wish BEFORE she met me....

I find myself wishing along those same lines.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

"I'm Not Your Sister, and I'm Not Your Friend...

I am your Mother! And you will not speak to me that way!"

Those exact words were spoken to me more times than I can count. I should write a whole post on things I swore I would never repeat once I became a Mother. "I'm going to be a cool Mom." Turns out, keeping me out of trouble and helping me to become the person I am today does make my Mom pretty cool. And now, because of all her hard work raising me, we get to be friends. Pretty cool indeed.

So, as you might imagine, I am becoming my Mother. Sometimes my mouth opens, and I hear not only her words, but her voice coming out of me. Scary. I am now constantly saying to the sassy crew I'm trying to raise, "I am NOT your sister. And, I am NOT your friend! I am your Mother, and you will not speak to me that way!"

Today the boys and I enjoyed every last minute of the spring- like weather, despite the groundhog's lies. We played outside nearly all day. I enjoy hanging out with my boys, especially on a pretty day when we can chase and squeal outdoors. After several games of t-ball and pretending to be a damsel in distress for the "stuper huros" to rescue (their usual victim, I mean damsel was at school, lucky girl) I was feeling some true bonding with the boys. I decided to really dig deep and become one of the guys by calling Jack a silly name. One of his favorite past times.

"Jack, you're a stinky poo-poo diaper baby!"

Ty was immediately sent into rip roaring laughter. The kind that sounds just like an old man sitting in a rocking chair on a front porch... Maybe you didn't have an old man like that in your tiny rural town... just trust me.

"Umm, Momma..." Jack stopped swinging immediately, and slowly cocked his head to the side to denote his seriousness. "Do you think I'm your brother? Cause, umm, I'm NOT your friend. And, you are my MOTHER. And you're not supposed to talk that way!"

I never know what to expect from this kid. After all, he is the one who gave us the recipe to Button-Eggs.

Later, I was reprimanded a second time by one of my children. Hank fell asleep in the car while we were sitting in the pick-up line at Lucy's school. Since it was such a beautiful day, and he never stays asleep when I try to move him into the house, I decided to leave the van doors open and leave the garage door up so I could keep an eye/ear on him. Lucy stopped me as we were walking into the house.

"Momma, I believe you forgot something. And that something is HANK!"

"I know, sweet girl, but he's sound asleep and it's so pretty out. I'm going to make y'all a snack, then come back and check on him."

Lucy froze in her tracks, starring at me as if I had just said I was going to pour gasoline all over my body and strike a match.

"What, Lucy? I did that with you a million times when you were a baby. Cookie did it with all of us. Hank will be fine."

"Momma, I just don't think that's very 'sponsible."

And she turned around and climbed back into the van to wait for Hank. What a stinker pot. Good thing she doesn't have the number to DHR.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Excuse me, Mr. Hudson?

Worship service ended in the usual way... The invitation was offered. The closing prayer was led. We stood up and apologized to those who were our unfortunate pew mates, for ruining the entire service. Of course, they smiled and said sweet words of encouragement, "Oh, we remember the days... This too shall pass... In the blink of an eye... I still remember the time when Lil' Johnny screamed the whole way out to the parking lot and everyone could hear him getting his whippin'..." We smile and continue apologizing, "Well, we just try not to lose our religion during church services with these four... Thanks for being so patient with us... Sorry Hail threw his sippy cup and hit you in the back of the head... FOUR times... in a row...."

With worn out smiles on our faces, exhaustion and starvation begin to set in, so Bert and I exchange glances that say, "Time to go, NOW." We gather our belongings and our children. I shovel the plethora of Bible story color sheets into my diaper bag, hand Hail to Bert, grab Lightning's hand, then the usual exchange occurs... Bert hands me his Bible. Normally, I take the beautiful navy blue Bible with our names inscribed in silver, (which was the gift I gave to Bert the night before our wedding) and put it into my diaper bag, along with four sippy cups, empty baggies of snacks, broken crayons and all the match box cars in the Land of Cotton. As my diaper bag begins to cut off circulation in my right arm, I try and book it to the car, so I can set down the over stuffed bag, and which ever child I'm carrying, and regain feeling in my arms.

That is on a typical Sunday, anyway. This particular day, was not going to be typical. I could tell that when I picked Thunder up from class and his teacher congratulated us on our "big news." "Huh?" I said, with a scared tone. "Yes," she continued, "Thunder stood up in his chair and announced that you had another baby in your tummy." Before I could choke, laugh and cry, she went on to tell me that they figured out quickly he was making the whole thing up since he said the baby should be here in about two weeks. Nice, Thunder.

No, on this seemingly routine Sunday, something snapped inside of me. It was as if, when Bert handed me HIS Bible, he was saying, "Here, even though I see you have a diaper bag that is so overloaded, an airline would not even accept that bag as a carry-on and would make you check it, then lose it leaving you to scramble your entire vacation, I still want you to stick one more thing of MINE in there and carry it for ME. Me=Caveman. You=Woman." I shoved the Bible, which is technically BOTH of ours since it does have "Bert & Holly Hudson" on the cover, back at him. Bert wrinkled his eyebrows, shrugged his shoulders, stuck the Bible under his arm, swung one of the bigger boys onto his back, flung Hail on his hip and casually asked, "What do you want for lunch?"

Oh, no he didn't! Not only did he not even acknowledge my feminist act, but he also forgot an apology. I grabbed Her Highness' hand and raced to the car ahead of Bert without answering his question. I sulked the whole way home, without Bert even noticing. He made jokes with the children and sang the zany songs they love. As we pulled into the driveway, I glanced over at Bert, who was belting out the final verse of "Down By the Bay" when I began to laugh to myself. Then out loud. "What?" Bert looked over at me. "Am I outta tune?" "Yes." I said. And pretended that's why I was laughing, making a mental note to forgive Bert for the crime he was unaware he had committed for years, but still promising myself to stick to my guns. No more Bible toting for the Mr.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Papers Have Been Served


TO: All HUDSON Redheads

Pursuant to the provisions of RSA 540:2, you are hereby given an eviction notice and notice to vacate, on or before bedtime, Wednesday February 4, 2009, the Master Bedroom and appurtenances owned by Robert and Holly Hudson of the City of Sleeplessnights, in the County of Insomnia, which premises are now occupied mostly by the four of you.

The reason for this eviction notice is:

/ X / Your failure to lay still without kicking and talking in your sleep and in arrears when demanded pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (a). A demand to go back to your own bed was served upon you every night for the last 5 1/2 years and you have refused and neglected to sleep through the night in your own bed for the period of the last five years also.

You are hereby notified of your right to avoid this eviction only if a nightmare has occurred on the same night, causing you to come back into said room/bed for comforting reasons ONLY.

/X / Substantial damage done to the premises pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (b) as follows:

-Damage to your Mother's fragile psyche due to lack of full night's sleep for periods lasting close to, but no more than 5 1/2 years.
-Damage to your parents' marriage for your Father's ability to lay still and "snore" while the four of you get up repeatedly during the hours of 9pm-7am.
-Damage to your Mother's body as she now has permanent dark bags under her eyes that will one day need to be surgically removed, for no cream will ever touch those circles.
-Creation of a serious addiction to caffeine; Your Mother must have two full cups of coffee each morning before she is capable of pouring cereal for all the hungry, whining children that gather at her feet like pecking pigeons at the park.
-Damage to your Mother's thinking patterns; She rarely can complete a sentence without stopping and apologizing to the person she is speaking to for "losing her train of thought."

/ X / Your failure to comply with a material term of the lease pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (c) as follows:

-Inability to sleep through the night, after the age of seven months, for no apparent reason.

-Children who insist on sleeping with their parents should not kick, talk, toss and turn, vomit, cough uncontrollably, or sprawl out during the time period in which they or their parents are sleeping.

The following list contains appropriate and acceptable places for the Four Redheads Named Hudson to "board the train to sleepy town."
1. YOUR OWN BED, which is located in YOUR OWN ROOM
2. The sofa
3. Your carseat
4. The floor
5. Basically, anywhere other than YOUR PARENTS' BED

This document has been notarized and sealed with a kiss.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Spoiled. Rotten.

Jack: "Momma, I need a NEW Buzz Lightyear."

Me: "Um, Honey, Santa Clause just came a few weeks ago and brought you tons of new stuff. And, your birthday is not until November, so you're going to have to wait a while on that."

Jack: "No, I'm not. Let's go to Target and get me one. One with wings that pop out and can fly."

Me: "Jack, money doesn't grow on trees. (yet another thing I swore would never come out of my mouth as a Mother) And besides, you have tons of toys to play with in your room. Go play."

Jack: "Just go to the store and get some money!"

Me: "That's not how it works. You have to take the money to the store first... then buy the stuff you need. And you don't NEED a new Buzz Lightyear."

Jack: "But, I WANT one. Just go to Target!"

Me: "You are acting like a spoiled rotten kid. Do you realize how hard your Daddy works for us to have the things we do? Do you know how many kids will never live in a house as nice as yours? Do you know there are children all over this world that would love to have half as many toys as you have just in your toy box? Not to mention all the stuff that's strewn all over the place! Daddy works very, very hard at his job to make us money to have all of these nice things, and you are acting like you don't appreciate any of it! Blah, blah, blah... "

I'm sure the grown-up voice from Charlie Brown was all Jack was hearing at this point during my spoiled brat lecture. Jack finally walked away, sulking, and went to play in his room. Several hours later, Bert came home for lunch.

Bert: "Hey guys! I'm hungry. What have you all been up to today?"

Jack: "Daddy, can you please go in your office and do some e-mails and stuff."

Bert: "Why Buddy?"

Bert and I both were perplexed at this request since Jack is usually the happiest to see his Daddy home from work.

Jack: "Just go in there and do some work e-mails and stuff."
(This is all Jack understands about the computer: e-mail and Webkinz)

Bert: "I don't understand."

Jack: "Well, I want a new Buzz Lightyear. Can you please go back to work now?"

Totally missed my point. Why do I even bother?