Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Voices In My Head, Revisited

So, as my blog has revealed, my life is centered around boogers, diapers, forcing crazy boys out of trees and playing chauffeur to the world's prissiest five year old Drama Queen. Since I spend so much time in the car line at Her Highness' school, I have a few pet peeves that I would like to discuss with these folks.

To the Snobby Mom in the new, gold Suburban:

Seriously, get off the phone. Granted, you may not have had tons of time to chat to your BFF since you had to rush between having botox injections and getting spray-tanned. I know your life would be less complicated if the local plastic surgeons office would just hire a professional spray-tanner, but little John Parker needs some attention too. Attention, and then a hair cut. The 90's frat boy, shaggy look went out, well, in the 90's. Plus, John Parker might be able to see better if his hair is not in his eyes.

To Tanya the chain smoker:

For real, second hand smoke is the reason Angel is hacking her poor little lungs out every single afternoon while she waits to get into your smog filled car. Your second hand smoke, which is the reason Angel sounds like a tuberculosis patient, is one of the reasons my child has missed 17 days of school this year. If you're not going to quit with the cigs, could you at least teach Angel how to cover her mouth when she feels a coughing fit coming along?

And, Tanya, could you please ask your baby's Daddy to turn his bass down a bit. The days he picks up Angel, none of my wild boys are able to fall asleep due to the vibration of every single window in my van. I spend the entire 20 minutes, which should be in peace, trying to convince my crew that our speakers won't go that loud, plus "Itsy Bitsy Spider" won't sound as good thumping as Kanye West. Isn't he a little old to be listening to that music?

To Susie Homemaker:

I'm sure you keep some kind of notebook in your car, charting the time you get to the school each afternoon and how fast you get precious little Mary Kay hyphenated Eloise buckled in her five point harness car seat... But, today when you line hopped me, you should have deducted several minutes off your score, cause that is totally against the rules. Had I pulled up into the position that you just couldn't wait one single second to get into, my sweet Lightning's head would have been in the sun, risking him waking from his 20 minute power nap. Do you know what happens to me if he doesn't get a full 20 minutes?? I realize that by not pulling up all the way, I left exactly one car length space in between me and the next car. That was not an invite for you to pull forward and then do a 12 -point parallel parking job. I hope it was worth having Mary Kay-Eloise two seconds earlier than I got Her Highness.

To the Husband of the Too Cool for School Mom:

Wash her van already! All it's missing is "WASH ME" in the dust. Don't be afraid to use the shop vac occasionally and suck up some of those four month old fries. Also, your wife could seriously use a trip to the spa for a full body massage and pedicure. Her attitude might improve if she had some pampering. But, I'm not promising it will... see notes on Snobby mom.


Kiera said...

The 12-pt parallel parking got me!!! I'm dying here!! ;)

Dana said...

Oh yea! I reluctantly agreed that I was also the too cool for school mom the first time I read this. Now I'm rejoicing. I'm going to make sure my husband reads this too :)

Dixie said...

Please do not categorize me with John Parker's mom, after seeing Luke yesterday, I mean some mom's are just too lazy to take their kid for a haircut. ha!

Holly said...

Dixie, Luke looks more like a cute lil' 18 month old surfer dude. Not a 1996 frat boy. Total difference. :-)