Wednesday, May 20, 2009

This ones for you, Dixie.

Recently, Her Highness and I enjoyed a "Girls Night" because we were boy-less for 24 hours. I have to admit, I was giddy when they all left. Bert bravely took The Storm down to his Mother's for the night to watch his little brother play spring football. Since there are officially two more days of kindergarten, Her Highness and I got left behind. I did heel clicks as they backed down our drive-way... literally. I love my boys, each and every one, but I haven't had a break from them, well, since Thunder was born. Ahhh, a quiet night at home... with just my little girl.... to do whatever we wanted.... without The Storm crashing our party.

We went all out. After what Her Highness claims to be "the last ballet lesson she will ever take in her life" was over, we met "our" best friend, Dixie, for some shopping. I say "our" because Her Highness has always referred to Dixie as HER best friend, since she was about 2 years old. As soon as we got in the car after dance class I said, "Okay, where to first?!" Her Highness said in her most grown-up voice, "Call Dixie. Wherever she is, is where I want to be!" So, I did just that. Dixie met us immediately, with her son that we shall refer to as "Lil' L" (because it makes my Mother feel better when there is some anonymity. As if this shall keep some crazy ax murderer from reading my blog and wanting to hunt me down and kill me, just because my picture is on the internet. I tried to tell her that there are blogs with their addresses, social security numbers and blood types already on them, so it would be much easier to just pick one of those. No homework would be involved, but just for Cookie, I will give everyone fake names.... except me and Bert... or are they fake???) Back to my story... Lil L is not much older than Hail (20 months), but way better behaved than Hail ever dreamed of being.

The four of us enjoyed some shopping then headed over to "get our toes done." I know this may seem a little over the top, but it wasn't Her Highness' first pedicure. What can I say, she truly is a Princess. She picked a violet color, and got a sweet little daisy painted on each big toe. Dixie and I stayed in the pink family. We all enjoyed our foot massages and listening to the chatter of the tiny little Vietnamese girls that were working so diligently.

After our pedicures, we headed to O'Charley's for dinner. Forever more I shall refer to them as NO Charley's. And not for anonymity's sake, but simply because they suck. First of all, the only reason we chose to go there was because kids eat free. Or used to. They no longer offer that sweet deal, so my bill was way more than the microwave dinners were worth. Secondly, the service was not so great. Her Highness and Lil' L did enjoy entertaining one another, as did Dixie and I. The kids were great. Her Highness mostly colored on her menu and sipped her chocolate milk. Lil' L nibbled on rolls and munched cheese crackers in between questions about where Thunder, Lightning and Hail were. Over and over again. "How-ee. How-ee! Wha Lightning?" I would explain, he would nod. Moments later, "How-ee. How-ee! Wha Hail?" We seriously played Q&A the entire meal. Though this may seem like a pointless detail to a seemingly boring night, it's not...

I had just commented on how well-behaved Lil' L had been all night. Not once during our entire dining experience did I have to wipe up a spilled drink, pick up broken glass from a dish someone threw when I had my head turned, nor ask Dixie to repeat herself due to all the yelling and crying. It was nice. It was just moments later that I got Lil' L a little too excited playing a game of "mine" over a roll when he let out a very happy, and quite typical of a not-yet-two-years-old-child, squeal. It went something like this, "Eeeee!" Seriously, if you timed it, the squeal probably lasted all of 1 1/2 seconds.

Lil' L and I both shared a giggle until the Madeleine Albright look-alike sitting with her husband in the booth adjacent turned to us and said sternly with a scowl on her pointy face, "Use your INSIDE voice." "Oh, no she DI-INT!" Was all I could say to Dixie, who was boxing up her leftovers for her hubby at home. "Do you really think he's being too loud?" Dixie asked me, a little stirred. "No, I just commented on how good he's been all night! What a B-I-T-C-H." I know, I know, Her Highness can now read, so I shouldn't even spell curse words in front of her, but come on. I nearly stood up and said it out loud. But, I'm a chicken, and a passive-aggressive chicken at that, so I spent the rest of our time speaking very loudly to Lil' L complimenting him on his "being such a GOOD BOY! GOOD BOY!" And patting his head as if he were a dog. Unfortunately, the rest of our girls night discussion revolved around how rude that woman had been; If she had children, they must have been perfect; And, why do some people feel as though they can treat others any way they want?? And again, Lil' L was HAPPY, not throwing a temper tantrum. Why did she feel so entitled in a public place to tell someone else's child to be quiet???

"So, here's to you, fussy-Madeleine Albright look-alike (raise your pretend glass of whatever you wish. Mine is filled to the brim with a stout Pi not Grigio, just FYI) and your grouchy husband who didn't kick you after making such a jerk comment, or even have the nerve to look over at us apologetically, which would have said tons, without saying a thing, but you would have to have a set of balls to do something like that in front of your pushy wife. We raise our glasses to say, may all your meals be filled with sounds of true baby screaming. The kind of screams only a mother who has experienced the pain of having a newborn with colic would recognize. The kind of screams that come from an exhausted and starving toddler who's just been told he won't be getting desert until after he eats all his broccoli, and oh yeah, the hostess just ran out of balloons, so he won't be getting one of those either, even though he can clearly see that 80 other kids in the restaurant already have one. The kind of screaming that comes only from a five year old drama queen who just realized her brothers spent a good hour messing up her room while she was at school and unable to protect her prize possessions. Yes, yes, may all the meals you eat for the rest of your life in public be filled with the precious little voices of small children who are truly upset and have no intentions what-so-ever of using an 'inside voice."'

"Hear! Hear!" (Pretend bottoms up.)


The Hills said...

Ooooh...that just gets my blood boiling!

Dixie said...

Holly a.k.a. I won't tell your "real" name. I appreciate the tight bond we have and how when "Madeleine" turned around to shush my child, and told him to use his inside voice, the Momma Bear came out ,as if he were your own and defended him. You are truly my bff, and I hope she has quite boring meals for the rest of her life and her and her husband can be deep in conversation with no one to interrupt their in depth conversation about the economy, or maybe a less important topic like the sale on ensure that got at kroger that day.

Thank you my dear friend!
Love, Dixie
p.s. When I told Brian, Lil L was asked to use his inside voice, he says, "what did she mean by that?" Point proven, if she can explain to a 20 month old, since a 30 yr. old didn't know, what an inside voice is and then convince him to use it, she may want to go into business.

Dana said...

I wish that you had gotten a picture of this lady so I could be sure to never eat in the restaurant that she's eating at. I'm sure if we ever do end up in the same place, my children would be the ones to fulfill your ill wishes on that woman!

I'm also pretty sure that if that woman has children, they don't take their children to visit her. How sad would it be that someone could be that miserable. WOW!

Shekinah Glory said...

Her aversion could've started years ago... I bet she was one of those people you plowed over with me & Kate in the buggy at the thrift store. Poor lady.