Sunday, August 23, 2009
Biology 101-- Princess Style
With our baby on the way, Her Highness has many of the usual concerns most six year olds have about future life changes: "Will I get to feed our baby brother?... Can I give him a bath?... Where is he going to sleep?" are just a few of the questions I've answered lately. She's a great big sister, most of the time, as well as a super caregiver to her uncomfortable and heat-stroked Mother. When Her Highness sees the boys climbing over me, or plummet into my ever-growing belly, she'll usually holler at them with something along the lines of, "GET OFF OF MOMMA NOW! You're going to hurt our baby brother!!! He's going to come out missing an eye!!!!" Then, she'll roll her eyes and stomp across the room towards them to dish out her punishment. At times those boys respond quicker to her than me.
The other night, while Her Highness was trying to feel the kung-fu fighting this child does in my uterus, she asked several questions that I wasn't quite ready for:
"Momma, is it true that baby boys come out of your bottom?"
After I choked on my own spit, I stammered back, "Honey, where did you hear that?" She confidently responded, "Emily says that baby boys come out of their mommy's bottom. Then, one day I saw it on that show that comes on sometimes about going to the hospital and having a baby."
Great, my obsession with TLC is now "educating" my child.
She continued with, "And that baby was a baby boy. Momma, it came out of her bottom. I'm pretty sure about that."
I stared at the wall for a moment, wishing I could press pause on life and get the right answer prepared. Call my own Mother and get her advice, then mash play and handle this the right way. I then proceeded to inform her that only bad kids come out of their mothers bottom. The good ones, of course, are flown in by the stork. We had a Full House moment as we hugged and then ate cookies and milk. Then, after I woke up from my day dream, I faced her for real...
"Sweetie, if boys come out of their Mommy's bottom, where do girls come out of?"
She looked at me as if I were stupid and with a sigh explained, "The doctor cuts a little bit on the Mother's tummy and just takes the baby girl out. Just like that!"
I choked back a hard laugh. Leave it to Her Highness to assume boys came from your butt and girls got a cleaner route to the big wide world. Then, I did what most Moms would do with a six year old... I avoided the truth... and will until I'm ready to get phone calls from her friends' parents.
"Honey, you're right. Some mommies do have to have the doctor cut open their tummy and help the baby come out that way. But, it doesn't matter if the baby is a boy or a girl. That's usually only in emergencies, and the doctor will help both boys and girls out that way."
Being the bright, inquisitive child she is, which I'm sure I'll be thankful for one day, she then asks, "Well, then what's the other way?"
"Oh, God makes a special way when it's time for the baby to come. Do you want an Oreo?? We've also got ice cream. How about both?"
The diversion worked... for now.
I guess being the only girl in a crazy house of testosterone can bring out a bunch of questions. As well as assumptions. Her Highness brought about another fit of laughter recently when she was wrestling with her band of brothers. Just moments into the fight, she was calling a time out while holding her crotch. "Momma! Momma! I just got kicked in the nuts! Tell the boys no kicking is allowed, or hurting me at all for that matter!!" It's all fun and games, until somebody gets kicked in the nuts.