Wednesday, August 19, 2009

More Fan Mail for TLC

Earlier in the year, I submitted this letter to one of my favorite networks... (click)
Now, with a whole new season of Toddlers & Tiaras, I've got more love coming at ya, TLC...

Dearest TLC,
I've been eagerly awaiting the new season of Toddlers & Tiaras. You had me at "If she ever says she wants to quit, we ain't doin' 'em no more..." It is a show I simply cannot get enough of. Your conspiracy to have the world select you as the #1 network by only showing programs that make us feel better about ourselves is definitely working. With shows like Toddler & Tiaras, I hold my head even higher as a mother: A sane, competent Mom who realizes thrusting your child in front of strangers only to have them tell her she's not pretty enough for the 24 inch tall crown that she can't even hold on her head absolutely does not "build confidence." Also, though embarrassing, could you please film more of your future episodes in the southern states? I have to say, the representatives you selected from the states of Georgia, South Carolina, Mississippi and New Orleans have been so much more, how should I say... hmmm... entertaining than our stuffy delegates from the North. Being a southern gal myself, perhaps I should be ashamed to make such a request, but it's so true. The overweight, sassy, hick sounding fake blonds with black roots who would rather spend their hard earned hourly wages on their daughter's fake nails and spray-tanning are more of an ego-booster for me, and others, I'm sure, than the half-educated, scowl-faced Moms who only work two full-time jobs to pay for their daughter's "favorite hobby."
But, TLC, it's not just this show that makes us all feel better about ourselves. The episode of "Truth be Told-- I'm a hoarder" was perfect for the condition my house was in last week. And most weeks for that matter. The box of Cheerios that could be swept up off my living room floor was only dumped out two days prior. Since the Cheerios are not sticking to the hardwoods due to an un-known green substance that lies underneath, I will allow them to sit at least one more day and see if the dog won't come back for them eventually, or one of the naughty children who dumped them out in the first place. And, because I don't have mold growing by the bushel in my fridge, I will now put off cleaning out my refrigerator another week. Since the laundry pile at the foot of my bed is made up of clean clothes, not clothes that someone left on the curb for garbage pickup 18 years ago, I will not fold those for another week either. Thank-you, TLC, for helping me to realize my house is just a "dry mess," meaning, it could all be swept/picked up in a short period of time, should someone get the notion to do such a pointless act in this house of insanity.

Speaking of insanity... I would like to say no thank-you, for continuing to run episodes of "Jon Minus Kate." Though sarcastic satire is not needed on this topic (for it's a given) I am wondering one thing... Will they wait and announce their reconciliation after their ratings have plummeted so low that when Jon calls the paparazzi to notify them of his taking out the trash, even the skanky paps no longer come?? Or is that just going to be later this season, so Kate can continue being her own worst enemy? Just wondering, cause we all know they will get back together eventually, since that's what sells. DRAMA. Who will Kate belittle on an hourly basis? Why would America continue to watch if you guys aren't making us feel better about ourselves...We all got that "At least I don't take the crap Jon takes all day long." feeling from watching. I'm on to you, TLC. But, you gotta keep the viewers anyway you can. I get it.

Next up, thank-you for the hilarious, though supposedly true series "18 Kids and Counting." What kind of ego boost do I take from this show, you ask? That my children are being raised to think for themselves and not being brainwashed and hidden from the world?? No, not even that. Simply, that my hair does not look exactly like it did when I graduated high school in 1998. Perhaps Al Gore should stop by and have a talk with Jim Bob and Michelle on quitting the Aqua Net tradition. The hole in the ozone may close a little. However, I do think Michelle and Jim Bob are doing a good job with all those young 'uns, as Bert's Granny would call them. But, we need to remember, only one of the 18 has officially made it to adulthood without embarrassing the stew out of those folks. Give that crew some time. With 17 kids still under the age of twenty-one, one of them will end up in the tabloids, for less than desirable reasons. You wait and see. And, as much as they get together with the equally awkward Bates family with 16 kids, I won't be surprised if we see a "Shotgun Wedding" episode before too long. I called it.
The worst part of this show is not the goofiness nor the 80's hair, but simply Cousin Amy. Please kill her off the show before next season. She's just too annoying. I don't need an outsider's point of view. I am a normal person myself, creating my own sarcastic commentary as I watch the show, so I don't need a spoiled teenager to hone in. I mean, if she thinks they are so stupid, why does she hang with them in the first place? Oh, that's right, to be on national television. Seriously, ban her from stopping by.
And, I know Josh is now married to Anna, but could you write her off the show as well? She gets on my nerves too. Please, please don't give them a spin-off series. I've had about all the "hand-porn" I can take out of those two. And now they're married, so what's up with all the PDA anyway?? Come on, Josh. Everybody knows that once you're married, you don't have to hold hands and make googly eyes while seeing who can be the last one to say, "I love you more." Gross. And this coming from a Mom who is expecting five kids in six years. My point is, you can still be "active" without causing others to dry-heave. Get a room.

So, TLC, as you can see, I still appreciate all your hard-work and dedication to making me feel better about my lack of hard work or dedicating myself to much of anything. Keep it up!

The World's Best Barbie Diamond Castle Princess Momma who is not afraid to throw stuff away and clean my house periodically while refraining from putting my husband down in front of America and my exploited children and not being afraid to change my hair style from time to time and still being loving towards my husband without making those around us puke...
AKA: Holly Hudson


Kiera said...

You are so cracking me up!!! It all makes sense to me now. Thanks for recapping the shows in "normal" fashion. Love you girl!!

Dixie said...

Okay, there are so many hilarious comments in this blog, but my faves' are "Duggar/Bates shotgun wedding", and "hand porn"! I am laughing my head off, thank you for giving me a happy start to this gloomy weather day!

Love, Dixie
p.s. I am still laughing

Dana said...

I have got to start watching TLC!. And what? Mold growing in the refrigerator merits cleaning it out.. That's when I leave it! I decided to tackle it the other day and it seriously sent me running for the bathroom. Very weak stomach. I might have five children too if I tolerated pregnancy as well as you do. But I can't even tolerate smells when I'm not pregnant.

Nikki McElroy said...

What?!? Her Highness doesn't get a daily spray tan?! "Just keep your eyes closed, honey, and it won't sting so much". Don't you know how much the little girls LOVE it? "If you would just hold your head STILL, these extensions would go in without
hurting!". Unbelievable. When can I enter the boys in a "Little Mr. Universe" competition?

foxy said...

Once again Holly, Thanks. I needed a smile this morning. Have a great weekend!!

Jay said...

That was Hillarious, my thoughts precisely! ---yet, I still watch. It's so addicting!!

m@ndy said...

True, True! Love it!! 18 kids, come on! Even though I hate most of those shows, I catch myself trying to catch them if I have a chance to ever sit down and hold the remote. (not very often mind you, and one of the 18 kids are married! OMG, I've been living under a rock!! Or maybe just a pile of laundry and dishes!!)