TO: All HUDSON Redheads
Pursuant to the provisions of RSA 540:2, you are hereby given an eviction notice and notice to vacate, on or before bedtime, Wednesday February 4, 2009, the Master Bedroom and appurtenances owned by Robert and Holly Hudson of the City of Sleeplessnights, in the County of Insomnia, which premises are now occupied mostly by the four of you.
The reason for this eviction notice is:
/ X / Your failure to lay still without kicking and talking in your sleep and in arrears when demanded pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (a). A demand to go back to your own bed was served upon you every night for the last 5 1/2 years and you have refused and neglected to sleep through the night in your own bed for the period of the last five years also.
You are hereby notified of your right to avoid this eviction only if a nightmare has occurred on the same night, causing you to come back into said room/bed for comforting reasons ONLY.
/X / Substantial damage done to the premises pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (b) as follows:
-Damage to your Mother's fragile psyche due to lack of full night's sleep for periods lasting close to, but no more than 5 1/2 years.
-Damage to your parents' marriage for your Father's ability to lay still and "snore" while the four of you get up repeatedly during the hours of 9pm-7am.
-Damage to your Mother's body as she now has permanent dark bags under her eyes that will one day need to be surgically removed, for no cream will ever touch those circles.
-Creation of a serious addiction to caffeine; Your Mother must have two full cups of coffee each morning before she is capable of pouring cereal for all the hungry, whining children that gather at her feet like pecking pigeons at the park.
-Damage to your Mother's thinking patterns; She rarely can complete a sentence without stopping and apologizing to the person she is speaking to for "losing her train of thought."
/ X / Your failure to comply with a material term of the lease pursuant to RSA 540:2 II (c) as follows:
-Inability to sleep through the night, after the age of seven months, for no apparent reason.
-Children who insist on sleeping with their parents should not kick, talk, toss and turn, vomit, cough uncontrollably, or sprawl out during the time period in which they or their parents are sleeping.
The following list contains appropriate and acceptable places for the Four Redheads Named Hudson to "board the train to sleepy town."
1. YOUR OWN BED, which is located in YOUR OWN ROOM
2. The sofa
3. Your carseat
4. The floor
5. Basically, anywhere other than YOUR PARENTS' BED
This document has been notarized and sealed with a kiss.